stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
