Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
