Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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