I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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