Who did Billy Mays play for?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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