Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
