My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
