Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
