I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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