Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
