i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
