The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
