Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Randomize
