How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
