just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
