belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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