well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
being pregnant is like rehab
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
