Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You pole danced in your parka.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
