Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
