Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize