Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
