Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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