Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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