are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
