went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
