My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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