Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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