it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
