Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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