I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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