Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
