I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Too much gin, very little bucket
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
