Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
