if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize