this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
