just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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