the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
zippers are such a cool invention
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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