Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
third nipple confirmed
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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