she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
