Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
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