Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
