my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
