Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
