my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
We need to get me chipped asap
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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