I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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