Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
