i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
