I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
