I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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