i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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