all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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