I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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