Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
