I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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