So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
