Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
