Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
