Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
