Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
